How Did I Get Here Again?

Having a friend going through similar mental health issues has been reassuring for me on so many levels. It helps me think through my mental process, gain new perspective and keep stepping forward. Below, they have beautifully described what it’s like to fear the present. I can relate to this on so many level. I’m ashamed of aspects of the past, the present makes me anxious and looking towards the future no longer brings happiness.

How Did I Get Here Again?

I was given a piece of advice before my wedding, probably the best piece of advice I could have been given- The day will go so quickly in a blur, take one moment, stop, look around, and sear it into your brain.

I did that. It was glorious. It remains seared. And imagine my luck when I discovered my photographer had unknowingly captured that moment. Wow. Seared in my mind and in my hands forever.

That moment. Euphoria. Feelings of Completeness. Hope for the future. Belonging somewhere. Safety.

Was it real?  Nothing ever felt more real. I know it. I seared those memories, thoughts, feelings into every cell of my body. Permanently marking myself forever with that truth.

How did I get here again?

In a complete reversal of reality, I now stop myself from stopping and experiencing the moment. It’s all gone. It frightens me. I don’t want to stop and see that it’s true.

In those weakened moments, I rub my eyes trying to focus on the vision that was once there. Now I fear a mirage. No need to run towards it before it disappears- saving my energy for some unknown future battle- I already know it’s merely the ghost of hope for a future.

I’m living in the future.

How did I get here again?

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